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My Long-Term Relationship With Love

I sit down to write for you guys and always think to myself, “this one is it…this is going to be the most personal one I’ve shared so far. Oh god. What are they all going to think?” And then I laugh at myself as I remember I said the same thing last month and part of my own spiritual growth is facing the discomfort of sharing all this stuff. 

I mean that…I’ve literally had multiple readings with folks in astrology, human design…and my own spirit guides have all been urging me to share more and more and more. They say that I have this knack of taking information in, learning from it and then sharing that with others. 

It’s not that I don’t want to share. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sharing (because let’s face it…even though it’s uncomfortable, I’m both a sadist and a masochist at heart). It’s just that sometimes I don’t even think about it. I’m just off living my delightful little quirky life, getting downloads by the dozen sometimes and clueless that there is this other world out here wanting to hear from me.

I digress…

Today, I’m here to tell you that I haven’t always been this way. 

I haven’t always been a delight to be around.

I haven’t always been so helpful.

I haven’t always been so accepting of my own craziness.

I haven’t always loved who I was. 

*barf* God that’s hard to admit. But I haven’t. And it’s hard to admit because when I look back, I spent so much time trying to convince myself that I DID love who I was. Okay, maybe not in childhood because childhood is just a very indecisive and exploratory part of our journey, but out of high school? Yeah…I always tried to convince myself that I did.

I’ve come to realize nowadays that alcohol helped with that conviction. 

If I could have a beer or a drink, I could easily just ‘blend’ into whatever it was that I thought I needed to be.

You know what else helped convince me of that??? People pleasing. Yup. That’s right.

Do what other people wanted me to do. 

And you know what I’ve come to find out??? That people that really love themselves will not allow you to please them without them experiencing the same joy in pleasing you back. And people that really love themselves, are much more enjoyable to be around.  

So what am I trying to say in all this???

Well…once upon a time I had lied to myself SO MUCH that I actually believed I really loved my life. And it was in those lies that I found myself using perfectionism, workaholism, alcoholism, loveless sex, to try and find love for myself and my life. 

I’m here to say it didn’t work. 

It took me finally recognizing that. Finally waking up and realizing what an absolute GIFT living is to truly start to make the changes that have led me to this life I truly love right now.

So how about you my dear friend, do you truly love your life? If not, what would you change tomorrow if you could?

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