The Sober Witch Life Sunshine’s Guide to a Mystical Recovery Season 2 Episode 12 From Shame to Strength: Finding Support in Recovery

Hey, everyone, welcome! It is Sunshine. I believe we are on episode 12. I don’t even know why I keep count of those things, but welcome everybody into The Sober Witch Life: Sunshine’s Guide to a Mystical Recovery. And today’s topic is, you know, I had started a couple of weeks ago, kind of going through the 13 steps of a witch’s recovery, and I’m going to continue on, but we’re taking a break this week because this is a really big topic, and it’s pretty heavy, and it’s really heavy on my heart right now, and we’re going to talk about the fact that in recovery, relapses are a thing. They are a thing.  And as usual, we’re going to start a little bit of story time, a little bit about me.

It starts back. I started considering that my drinking might be an issue probably five years before I stepped into my road to recovery, into where I’m at right now, with a bit of time behind me. I’d considered it multiple times, and the very first time, I don’t talk about a lot, I should say the first time that I remember, because let’s be real, I probably subconsciously have known that I was an alcoholic for a really long time. In my late 20s, I kind of took some pride on it. I can drink a whole lot. I can drink with the boys, you know, all kinds of stuff like that. But it wasn’t until probably about 2015 maybe even maybe even 2014 that it really started to be a thing for me. It’s almost 10 years ago, I guess. And I don’t talk about this a lot, mostly because, I don’t know. I think maybe there’s still a bit of shame there. A bit of shame, it is. It’s around one of the things that I one of very few things in my life that I actually regret.

And back in 2016 April, 2016 I underwent weight loss surgery. And so for any of you that may share that similar story, you may or may not know this already. Some of what I’m going to share, but it was a pretty intense program that I went through. You know, there are some places nowadays that you can go and I think it’s a matter of like, 90 days you can get approved if insurance covers and all that kind of good stuff. But this program that I went to is very intensive. They had almost a year long kind of programming that you had to undergo before they would actually approve you for surgery. Your case went before a board like I did they. This was a very well sought after program, highly respected, highly admired, and it was a big deal. I mean, stepping into and making a decision of surgery of this nature was a very big deal for me. And so this program also included a lot of psychological counseling, like I was required to be under the care of a therapist. I had to pass a psychological evaluation. And one of the things in that psychological evaluation was substance abuse. Specifically, they talked about and discussed the use of alcohol. How much do you use, what you’re currently drinking habits, all of that kind of stuff. Because they wanted to make a determination, and I knew this ahead of time as to whether or not you were susceptible of falling into an alcohol use disorder afterwards. And I knew. This point I knew I started to lie. I wasn’t being honest about how much I drank, how much I consumed, how often I drank. This was the first time that I really started to look at my relationship with alcohol. They shared at that point. And I don’t know what the statistics are specifically, because there’s been a lot more people between, you know, pretty much almost in the last 10 years, since I started this journey, there’s been a lot more people that have had the surgery, so they probably have more data, more research behind it. But at that particular time, they were sharing that there was around, roughly around a 46% of folks would move on post and experience issues with alcoholism.

So I lied about how much I drank because I thought it was going to get in the way of my approval for the surgery and I had every intention of following their guidance and their regulate, like I had regulations, but their recommendation, that’s what I’m looking for post surgery. So I was out, I was post probably about three and a half months. I hadn’t drank at that particular time. I don’t know in how long, maybe it’d been like six months, six, seven months, or at that particular point, because I had every intention of not, you know, I was separated from the ex-partner, I didn’t have that influence around me. And I had every intention of not drinking. And then I did. It was probably about three and a half months post surgery, and it just started off with just a shot, just a shot, just a beer, right? You know, yeah, and I was quickly right back into it. And by golly, did the alcohol treat me differently? Did it? Oh, God, it was. Prior to that, I would get drunk. I would get inebriated.

There were some times in my 20s that I drank to the point of blacking out. But post surgery, excuse me, the coughs are real today, and I don’t quite know why. Yeah, my guides are actually telling me it is because what I’m talking about is going to reach a lot of ears. And there is, you know, something that’s out there that doesn’t want some folks to hear this. Yeah, so I did. I stepped back into it, and that was 2016 in 2017 is the second time that I considered my relationship with alcohol, and that was because my father and I have shared this story with found himself on his deathbed. My father and I think at the time was, I think 61 maybe 62 found himself in September of that month. Maybe it was even the end of August in that month. So pretty much, almost, I guess, well, seven years from from now, found himself in the hospital, pretty much on his deathbed, his heart, the alcohol that he had consumed at that point, had destroyed his heart to the to the point that it was only pumping at about 6% of its full function. His body was shutting down, his liver and his kidneys were starting to fail. And so you’re talking about his three major organs live, liver, kidney and heart, all pretty much on its last limb.

And so I once again, started to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol at that point, knowing this, but let’s be real, I was still drinking. I was still drinking alcohol at that particular time, and one of the ways that I convinced myself to cope was through more drinking, you know, I did. I continued to consume. I would say, at that particular point, you know, I’m about a year out of surgery. I was kind of successfully moderating. Maybe we could say that. But by the time my father found himself on his deathbed, I fell in love with these really dark, strong beers. And yeah, it was just not the case. And at this particular point, even though some of the weight had started to create back on like I started to have a hard time losing any additional weight. So here’s the second time in late 2017 that I’m reevaluating my relationship with alcohol. We fast forward, my father’s life is saved. He undergoes a majorly invasive surgery that is going to allow him, what they call the the bridge, to be able to apply for a heart transplant. And so here we are, 2018 a year out from his surgery, my father gets on to the heart transplant list, and. Right at the same time, my father is getting onto the heart transplant list, I find out that my cousin, who is a year younger than me, is admitted to the hospital because his body is now shutting down to alcoholism. And the unfortunate truth at this particular point is that my cousin had waited too long, he had done too much damage, and they tried to get him onto the heart transplant list, but the reality was is his body was not at the point that it would be able to receive so now I’m in my third deeply contemplative moment.

And we approach the beginning of 2019 and my cousin passed away. I don’t know the exact date his prayer car is still on my fridge, but he passed away. But I knew, I knew at that particular point that I just I didn’t want to keep drinking, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to stop so I gave myself a bit of a test. Then in the beginning of 2019 I told myself, just make it 90 days. “Just try for 90 days. Just try for 90 days, Jen” and I did, and I didn’t change a whole bunch about my life at that point, except I didn’t drink, and this whole time, I’m already still in therapy. I’d been in therapy since my first marriage, and so I’d already been in therapy, and, you know, I started talking about it and have a lot of conversations. And I’m sure she saw things that she knew I just needed to work through, but I needed to come to my own realization to but here I was out there in the world, for lack of a better way to describe it, raw dog in it, trying to stay sober, trying to not drink. And I remember at that particular point, still going to social outings, still going to social gatherings. I was still involved in a volunteer organization at that time, and we would have outings and things. And I remember talking to a lot of people and explaining this kind of experiment that I was doing of, can I make it 90 days, like, “Can I do 90 days? If I can do 90 days and I can do 100 days, then I could do 180 days, and I could do a year” like that was my mental thought.If I could just rawdog it with my own true will, with nothing else, just deciding that to drink, if I could do that, then yeah.

So I’m on my fourth time of really considering my relationship with alcohol. And it this one, it’s like, a bit more serious about it. And I remember I made it 83 days, and I found myself in a really dark place at that particular time. And I have this very distinct memory of walking out of the bathroom, like sitting in, sitting in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, you know, just having this moment with myself, just like, wow, just being flooded with these, like, really dark emotions. And I went and I took a shower, and I tried to wash them off of me, you know, I tried to cleanse them off of me, and I couldn’t. And I walked out into the living room, and my, you know, partner at the time, you know, rest in peace.
Keith and I told him, I said, if this is what depression feels like, I know why people take their own life, because it hurt so bad. It hurts so fucking bad. It was so dark and it was so lonely. It really was so dark and so lonely that I decided to pick up a drink again, because that’s the only way that I do at that particular point to make it go away.

I wasn’t really making it go away though. I was just shoving it back into a box that I’d have to deal with at some other time. Maybe, you know. And the only way to keep the lid on the box closed is to keep drinking. And so after 83 days without a drink, I picked one up again, and I drank pretty much every single day until I think it was July 19 that year. So we’re talking about, I mean, I didn’t even drink on St Patrick’s day like I made it 10 more days. I think it was past Saint Patrick’s Day before I finally picked up maybe fucking mind blowing, right, mind blowing. That fucking addiction demon was oh, breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck. And he managed to win that one and convinced me that it was okay. And so there I was in July of that year, 2019 and Keith and I left for a vacation up in the up. It was my first time in the up, and his first time. And, you know, we had a beautiful drive up there. And, you know, drinking, enjoying and you know, I got 10 days off of work. Now, I’m going to have a good time. I’m going to enjoy my vacation, right? And we kept drinking, and we get up there, and, you know, we’ve got a tent, like a, you know, platform tent that we’d reserved, and all of a sudden he started not feeling so well and sick sore throat, and it was pretty bad to the point that we were supposed to come back on a Monday afternoon. I’m sorry, Sunday afternoon, and we packed up Friday afternoon. And I was so mad. I was so mad at him, so mad. I had no compassion for him being sick. I was pissed off that he ran my fucking vacation. We got home, and he laid in bed, and I continued to drink, and I drank by myself. And I remember going into work that Monday morning after 10 days off because the first vacation I’d had since I picked up, you know that that drink and, um, I was at work, and it was about 11 o’clock before lunch, and I was sweaty, sticky, shaking, and I remember thinking in my head, oh, my God, I’m going through withdrawals. I’m having alcohol withdrawals. And thank God I had therapy that night, because I left the office I worked all the way up to the point that I had therapy so that I didn’t end up going home. And I went right to my therapist’s office, and I walked in, and I broke down crying, telling her, for the first time in my entire life, admitting out loud to someone else, I’m an alcoholic.
And I told her that I don’t think I didn’t stop without help and I didn’t know how to do it. I just told her at that particular point that I need, you know, we moved my sessions to once a week. I said, I need to come here. I said, I need to talk to you about it. And I was determined, you know, I was determined to never pick up a drink again. At that point, I told her. I said, I can’t I can’t do it. If I’m gonna pick up a drink again, I’m gonna end up right back in this place, and I’m gonna wind up like my my father, or worse,  my cousin. I didn’t drink again.

If anybody’s heard my story, may have heard that I lasted 63 more days until I found myself heading out of town once again with my very dear and sweet, just as messed up as me, partner, Keith, we flew down for my 40th birthday to Costa Rica and I went on balls to the walls for this vacation. It was the first time I’d had a really nice vacation since at that particular point had been about three and a half. Half years, and it was my 40th and I’d been planning it for a year, and we had a really nice room at this resort. All sorts of amazing things planned. We get off the plane in Costa Rica, and he walks right over to duty free, and I’m in shock as he walks back out with two half gallons of liquor. I don’t know what to do. We didn’t talk about it. I didn’t have a conversation. I had no clue. Like, I didn’t plan for this. I didn’t plan for what if he wants to drink? Right? Because at this particular point, I just told him I didn’t want him to drink around me, but I didn’t have this conversation. And, you know, I mean looking back, subconsciously, I you know, it’s probably intentional. You know that drinking demon was hot on my trail. Knew he’d already got me once that year. I’m just antsy. I’m anxious. We it’s a three hour drive to the resort. We get into the car, we stop halfway. We’re at a little roadside stand by this cute little town. He is drinking some beers. He’s pulling beers. And I’m just like, Oh, my head is swirling. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I’m determined. I’m like, Nope, we’re not going to drink I can manage this. I’ll handle this. And, uh, we end up back at the resort. We check in the room. Is amazing. Oh, I can stare into the jungle off of my private balcony, you know, I can see the ocean, and we end up at the pool, and he is now four beers in, and, Uh, he leans over and he says to me, “I won’t tell anyone if you drink”. And that’s all I needed to hear in that moment, because I had no other plan, and I drank. I drank that day, first day that we arrived, which I believe was a Wednesday, until we ended up in bed that night, passed out, and I woke up the next day fucking hung over as hell.

I drank a lot of water, a lot of coconut water, and I think maybe had a drink that night, the Friday, Friday was birthday. That was my 40th I woke up and, uh, yeah, we started drinking with breakfast, mimosas, yup. And then I had a massage, and then we kept drinking. We met some friends later in the afternoon, and we kept drinking, and by around six o’clock that night, I think we had dinner scheduled. I don’t know. I had a fancy dinner, a private dinner with the chef, scheduled for, I think, 730 that night, and shit hit the fan. I’m not going to go into what happened. That’s a another story for an open talk, but shit hit the fucking fan, big time. So much so that I spent the rest of my birthday alone. The only reason I know that I went and had that dinner was I have photos that I took of the dinner. I had no memory of it. I by myself. I spent the rest of the night by myself, and I continued to drink and drug for the rest of that vacation, trying to do whatever I could, which I don’t even know. I don’t even know why. Like, I mean, I I just did. I was in a rocked, fucking bottom, dark place, and the entire flight home was me begging him to not leave me begging him, because I when I say, shit, hit the fan. I was cruel. I was a certified cu next Tuesday, like, Oh, my God, would he would it would have him leaving. It would have, yeah, he had every reason to. There’s no reason he actually should have stayed, because I was bad. I was a horrible person in that addictive space. And we came back, and that first day back, I didn’t know what to do, but he told me the only. A that he would continue to remain in a relationship with me was if I went to AA and I completed 90 meetings in 90 days.

And at the time, it was horrifying to think of that. But in retrospect, looking back, I am so incredibly grateful that he gave me that ultimatum, because it’s the only thing that saved my life. I believe that, as of this recording, I have 1762 days where I haven’t picked up a drink, but I know that this is a road of recovery, that I’m on the road to recovery, that this is a journey, and it is possible to relapse. That’s why I’m sharing all of this with you. It’s the same reason that any alcoholic or individual recovery will share their story. You. Sharing our story helps us stay on the road to recovery. Sharing our story helps remind us where we’ve come from and how we got to where we are.

Most importantly, though, sharing our story helps others know that they’re not alone. This is a journey, and relapses can happen. They can but you always have the choice to step back onto the road to recovery. You always have that choice. Yeah. So with that,
I will say that I pray every single day that those individuals that are still struggling with addiction, that have not yet found their way onto that path of recovery or have found their way off, I pray that you find the courage that you need to take the step back onto that road to recovery or to take the first step. I know it’s not easy, but I know I know being on this side that making that choice can lead you to a life that you are madly in love with. Yeah. So that being said. Ah, much love for me to all of you, my dear friends, remember you don’t have to do this alone. Til next time.